The Top 10 Reasons I Didn't Get Married

After an incredibly short courtship and a tumultuous relationship, I recently called off my nine-month engagement to someone who was, undoubtedly, the wrong man for me.  Upon reflection, I’ve come to see the real reasons why my relationship didn’t work out, and the things I should avoid (or more quickly acknowledge) in the future.

  10.  Irreconcilable Cultural Differences  

I’m the first to advocate for equality for all, but to say that a relationship between people of two vastly different cultures is difficult would be an understatement.  It may not be impossible, but it certainly requires understanding, compassion, and compromise.

Being from two different cultures put a great strain on my relationship with my ex.  His family saw my traditional European traditions and upper-middle class values as stuffy and arrogant, while I found his nonchalant approach to life to be frustrating and naïve.  Why did he think it was no big deal to not have health insurance?  Why were his parents not concerned with allowing their children and grandchildren to ride without seats or seatbelts in the back of a delivery trunk? 

His response—culture.  These were common occurrences not only in his family, but also in his ethnically homogenous hometown and his parents’ home country.  I was not the only being judgmental.  As the “white girl” of the family, I was ridiculed for making sure that my soon-to-be stepson was always in clean, dry clothes.  My designer diaper bag full of toys, snacks, and fresh t-shirts received the scoffs of the women of the household, who preferred the throw a few diapers in their pockets.

This is not to say that bi-cultural relationships don’t work; I know several happy couples who have found ways to blend cultures, share traditions, and compromise.  However, this requires two willing participants and, more importantly, two welcoming families and this simply wasn’t the case in my situation.

Side note:  It’s probably a bad sign if your future mother-in-law refuses to speak to you in English, stating that if you are going to come in to her family, then you better start learning her language.

  9.  Rules Aren't Meant for Relationships  

Relationships may require some general rules:  don’t cheat, always praise your significant other’s mother’s cooking, and always buy milk if you are at the grocery store.  However, if rules expand beyond this and become a way for one to control the other, it is time to reevaluate.

Rules became the dark side of my relationship.  While friends assumed that my fiancé treated me like a princess, the reality was that he ultimately wanted control.  Some rules were meant to drive a wedge into the incredibly close relationship I had with my family, rules like “Don’t text or call your mom at night or while you are in my presence.”  He often forbid me from visiting my family, claiming that they soured my attitude and made me believe there were issues in our relationship.  Other rules just seemed, in hindsight, absurd.  Don’t wear yellow—it makes you look pale.  You may, under no circumstances, take more than one shower a day.  You can’t eat the top part of your bread bowl, even though it’s your favorite part.

When I realized the rules applied only to me and that I, alone, was shouldering the weight of keeping our family of 3 afloat, I realized that no man should ever tell me what I can and cannot do.  Period.

   8.  Family Should Come First   

Family has always been my top priority in life.  My dad has been my role model and teacher, my mom my best friend, and my brother a reliable if often annoying shoulder to cry on.  When I pictured getting married, I yearned for these types of relationships within my own family.

I think I always knew that I didn’t come first with my fiancé, and while it’s a different story, it was always clear his son never came first either.  It was this issue that acted as the straw that broke the camels back.  On his birthday, my fiancé, without informing me, decided to get off work and go drinking with his friends.  It was a pathetic sight—a cake drying out on the kitchen table, a 3-year-old on my lap, waiting up to wish his daddy a happy birthday.  After hours of hearing nothing, I tucked the little one into bed and fell asleep.  In wasn’t until 10:00 A.M. the following morning the he bothered to let me know where he was or where he had been.  Only weeks after missing his own son’s birthday party, his skewed priorities pushed me to official cancel our wedding.

  7.  Similar Values Are...Well, Valuable  

As we grow and develop a sense of self, we begin to recognize what we truly value in life.  Unfortunately if these do not match up with our significant other’s values, situations can get sticky.

Family had proved to be of little importance to my fiancé, along with education, financial stability, and a sober lifestyle.  My value of education, which included reading for pleasure, supporting the arts, and staying up-to-date on current events, butted heads with his belief that education was just a way to make more money, a less effective way than simply being a “hustler.”  My pride in being able to support and provide for myself was overshadowed by his reliance on his parents to fund his irresponsible lifestyle and failing business.  Most importantly, he didn’t seem to share my belief that being an adult meant limiting those crazy nights and recreational “mood enhancers.”  Without having any common goals or standards, I felt we were constantly fighting to share a one-lane road.


   6.  It's Important to Want to Be Together   

I’ve heard this from many women, and it is likely true for men, too.  What is the number one red flag in a relationship?  It’s not his long nights at work; it’s yours.

We all have our issues in relationships.  We bush each other’s buttons, we have disagreements and hold grudges, but life has to be pretty bad to outweigh the serenity of coming home, kicking off your shoes, and enjoying a glass of wine by the fire.

I didn’t even enjoy my job, but still, I found myself choosing to stay past 5:00, doing unnecessary preparation for the days or even weeks ahead, organizing my desk, or even watching streaming “Netflix.”  The 90-minute commute I used to loathe became a pillow between the time I finally forced myself to leave work and unhappily showed up at the front door of the home I shared with my fiancé.  I left early for work, went grocery shopping twice as often, and ran errands whenever possible.  It wasn’t long before I realized I was running from my home and my relationship because, unfortunately, anything was better than being with him.

  5.  Drugs are Bad (Duh)   

I’m a fairly laidback girl and not in the least bit uptight.  As an Italian, I love a glass of wine with dinner, and I’ve been known on a few occasions to become a little too friendly with my dear friend tequila.  However, when a significant other chooses any mind-altering substance as a means of dealing with their life, it becomes a greater issue. 

While it wasn’t a bottle my fiancé was always turning to, he always found a way to put his addiction before our family and me.  Besides the fact that he was constantly disengaged from life, his current and past roles in the market put his son and me in danger.  When it came time to choose between his substance abuse and me, it was an easy and unfortunate choice, one that I could not accept.

  4.  If You're Going to be a Single Dad, Be a Good One  

It took months of knowing my fiancé as a friend to realize that he was the father of a 3-year-old boy.  Seemingly uninvolved in his son’s life, he jumped quickly at the opportunity for me to double-duty as both girlfriend and babysitter.  Since he worked late hours, I became the primary caretaker on the days that we had custody.  Over time, the bond I developed with this little boy became stronger than the one he had with his father, and my protective maternal instincts came on strong.

On the rare occasion that my fiancé had his son alone, I often came home to his dad asleep on the couch or watch “Jerry Springer”, while the incredibly well-behaved child played alone, unsupervised, in his room, his diaper unchanged for more than five or six hours.  When I confronted my fiancé about shoveling all his parental responsibilities onto me, he simply explained he didn’t have the time to be a father.  I then suggested that he then give additional time and custody to the boy’s mother, as she had been fighting for it for several months.  Just to spite her, he refused to do so.

Having a child is certainly not a deal-breaker in relationships, but it requires the right circumstances.  I was only 23-years-old and not ready to be a mother.  I had a partner with very little interest in being an involved parent.  More importantly, his apathetic attitude made me wonder what kind of a father he would be to my own children.  I finally confided in my mother that I would not leave my own children alone with him, and it wasn’t until I heard the words come out of my mouth that I realized the gravity of that statement.

  3.  My Happiness Should Matter

The best part about true love is that you just want to make the other person happy.  The worst part about bad love is that one of you gets screwed.  While I would go out of my way to make my fiancé feel loved and adored, he never felt the need to do the same for me.  When he needed help with work or a favor, I was quick to jump to the task, but when I danced in a show or had an important event, he was never around.

The phone discussion that led to my break-up regarded this exact issue.  Almost a year after my cousin moved to Tennessee, I was aching to see her and reconnect.  When an opportunity for the two of us to get away on a girls’ trip to Mexico came up, I was more than anxious to grab it.  Between a stressful and unsatisfying job and tension at home, some time to do what I wanted to do seemed like the best idea ever.  My fiancé knew how badly I missed my cousin, but when I mentioned the trip to him, he became enraged that I would dare go on vacation without him and simply forbid it.  What he should have said was, “I know how much you’ve been missing your cousin and it would be so great for you two to get to spend time together.  Go and have fun because I know this is what will make you happy.” 

Five minutes after the spat, I officially told him to pack his stuff and move on.  If I wasn’t going to put myself and my own happiness first, no one was.  As for the trip to Mexico, I was lucky to be sunbathing with my cousin a few months later on the beautiful beaches of Puerto Vallarta.

  2.  Liars Aren't Lovers  

Don’t be fooled; if someone is willing to lie about one thing, they will likely lie again.  In my relationship, it started small.  He would tell me he was somewhere when he wasn’t.  He would tell me he had done things when he hadn’t.  He claimed he had things that mysterious disappeared when we looked for them.  The lies continued, and when he was caught, he argued he would never lie about anything important.  Bit by bit, my trust in him vanished.

It wasn’t until after our relationship ended that the biggest lies came out.  Money was always tight in our house and my fiancé didn’t bear much of the financial burden.  He did, however, assure me that should times get tough, he would sell his most prized possession—his Rolex watch.  Time after time he retold the story.  After graduating from culinary school and flush with cash, he entered a fine jewelry store in San Francisco’s Union Square.  Dressed down in a baseball hat and jeans, the saleswoman refused to take the multi-thousand dollar watch out of the case until he dramatically slapped a wad of cash on the counter.  He always claimed that the watch reminded him of his success and his ability to provide for himself.

After being less than cooperative in moving out of my apartment, I took his watch, which had been carelessly left behind, to a jeweler who needed no time or tools to tell me that the watch was a fake, likely purchased at the flea markets my fiancé loved so dearly.  His ability to create such an elaborate story proved what a sophisticated liar he was.  It was, of course, no shock to also find out he had been maintaining an online dating profile throughout our entire engagement.  

  1.  Fool Me Twice, Get Out of My House   

Family and friends all wondered why it took so long for me to end my relationship.  The thing is I am a lover who sees the possibility for greatness in all things.  I gave my relationship every chance to succeed.  Before I walked away, I outlined what I needed and what I wasn’t getting, giving my fiancé every opportunity to prove that he could change.  The question, as my dad always put it, was whether or not his indiscretions were mistakes or character flaws.  My goal in life is always to close the door to relationships without ever wondering “what if?”  The extra time I allowed myself to remain in my relationship proved, without a doubt, that this was not the man for me.  So, as I said, fool me once, shame on you.   Fool me twice, get out of my house.



So if any of these ring a bell, take my advice and run.  Someone wise once told me that we should be better with the person than alone.  My ex dragged me down until neither myself or my family could even recognize me.  Look sensibly at your relationship and make sure that, in taking poetic license with the colloquialism, two hearts are better than one.